Red Sonja: The Movie

So I watched the Red Sonja movie recently so that I could blog about it. I haven't seen it in years so I was looking forward to it. Maybe it wasn't that bad?

It took me about a week of real time to get through the first twenty minutes. I would watch a minute and then my eyes would go red with rage and my writing brain would scream about everything that is wrong with it and I would pass out from sheer hatred. Eventually I got past the horrible beginning and I stopped passing out. I even started enjoying it at some point.

There are two huge problems with the the Red Sonja movie. Problem one is the star, Brigitte Nielsen, does not in any way look like Red Sonja. I would argue that 80% of Red Sonja's appeal as a character is her flowing red hair and generous bosom. Brigitte Nielsen had a straight gold red mullet and less than ample endowments. Part of this comes from her really impressive physique and part of it comes from the lack of the Wonder Bra being invented. It was also the 80's where the media though androgyny was hot. Thorne's Red Sonja was a sword wielding hot chick. Brigitte Nielsen was a sword wielding hot boy.

The second problem with the Red Sonja movie is the lack of story from the original source material. In the comics, Red Sonja wanders around and gets into trouble. There is no great story to steal from like they did for the Conan movie. With an abscence of material, the movie seeks to fill in the blanks in a pretty laughable manner.

I am not sure what is more offensive about the beginning about the movie. Is it when Red Sonja is trained by an Asian cliche of a master? Is it when Red Sonja's family was killed because she wouldn't submit to a lesbian Queen? The 80's were truly a terrible time for tolerance.

Once Red Sonja gets past the worse 30 minutes in movie history, the movie is not bad for a b-movie fantasy adventure. Seriously. Quit snickering!

Look, we have a cast of amusing heroes. There is this toddler Prince who is Asian so of course he knows kung-fu. His kingdom is destroyed but he has a loyal henchmen who he abuses to comic effect. Small child abusing a fat man is movie gold.

We have the evil Queen herself who is magnificent. She wears a lot of black clothes, lives in a castle decorated pre-Hot Topic Goth and a sniveling toad of a general. She even has a giant spider as a pet! How cool is that?

We also have Conan, I mean Prince Kalidor who stalks Red Sonja and helps out with his bulging muscles. Okay, Prince Kalidor is not my favorite character but I got a weird satisfaction in watching Arnold play second fiddle to a woman in a movie genre that he perfected. It is like watching Gandalf playing an apprentice to Harry Potter. Oh wait, didn't I see that movie?

Anyhoo, the plot of the movie is about the Locknar from Heavy Metal movie being used to destroy kingdoms off screen. Red Sonja and her rather crappy adventuring party have to stop the Evil queen and by Crom, we have all seen this movie before. The thing is, if it wasn't called Red Sonja and was called something like "Bitchy Boy Woman" we would all list this as one of our cult favorites.

But because this is Red Sonja, we want more. We want beauty and savagery and no annoying kids. We want Red Sonja to not get disarmed in every single combat in the movie! We want the chainmail bikini. We want a woman so sexy that we debate losing an arm in challenging her. Instead we have a very butch angry woman who quite frankly makes me want to reccomend therapy rather than seduce her.

So yeah, the movie sucks. Worse than sucking, it ruined the franchise for quite a while. For fans of fantasy, it is our League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie. It is a crippling ax blow to the neck of Red Sonja fandom.

But you know, as a shitty movie it has its moments. What was your favorite moment?

Sonja and the Sisterhood of Steel

Many moons ago, I bought a book called Sword Song Sisterhood of Steel, a collection of artwork* featuring - you guessed it - medieval hotties with swords.

A few of the images feature she-devils wearing the armor that made Sonja famous: the good ol' chain mail bikini (or a reasonably brief alternative). The long manes of firey read hair make me wonder if each of these is actually just a rendering of Sonja.






All the chainmail bikini girls aren't redheads, though.




What is it about near-naked chicks and edged-weapons?


* I wish I knew who the respective artists were, but they weren't really identified in the book (anywhere I noticed, anyway).



Regarding the respective artists as mentioned in the comments...I was right about Blas Gallego, but the Fastner & Larson guess turned out to be wrong. David Dunstan did the blonde slicing her bikini bottom (it's also on the back cover).

I'm amazed that the individual artists are only noted in a passing way by the book on this title page. Very weird.

THORNE

Another look at a classic "Red Sonja" by Frank Thorne...nobody can deny that when Frank was given the ball he ran with it. He made RED SONJA what we think about when we picture her. The way she carried herself , her mannerisms and her body language were all conveyed with a most loose and perfect line work. Her swagger and posture and curves and even the way she held a sword. Her hair and her expressions it was all thanks to Frank Thorne. We love ye big guy! We owe you as much a debt of thanks as we owe REH or Roy Thomas. There are a lot of other fellas on deck but you are in the top 3 pal.

She-Devil with a Morning Star

The Lucio Parillo covers for Queen Sonja just keep getting better and better. Issue 3 is my favorite one yet. (Who says Sonja always has to fight with an edged weapon?)


I'm not as big a fan of Mel Rubi's artwork inside the book, but there are pages that definitely stand out.


If only the creative team for Dynamite's Highlander series had been as true to their source material, I might still be reading about the adventures of Connor Macleod. *sigh*

Red Sonja - the choice of rocks gods

I picked up a book from the discount rack at Barnes & Noble today, The Police 1978-1983 Lynn Goldsmith.

"And what" you're asking yourself, "could this possibly have to do with Red Sonja?"

Well, let me tell ya. As I was flipping through the photos in the book, I came across a photo of Stewart Copeland, the band's drummer, sitting in a room littered with guitars, recording equipment and various photos and posters on the walls. One item on the wall stood out to me immediately, though: an issue of Red Sonja.

How cool is that?

Beautiful...

I love the internet. You find the most amazing things. I actually let out a sigh when I saw this ANIME style rendition of SONJA. I think I'm in love with a drawing.
( Weirdo! )

It really is the most wonderful time of the year!

Look what I got today from awesome contributor shonrichards:


Very cool. Not sure who the artist is, but has a great Frank Thorne-ish, maybe Ernie Chan feel to it.

AHEM , May I have your attention please.....

Now that I have your attention....

A whole bunch of beautiful art! l

I came across this site that had a dozens of pieces of RED SONJA art. I could shoot myself in the head for not getting the name of the site. I tried to go back but I could not find it.
If anyone knows what I'm talking about please share with us. Every SONJA fan needs to know about every little thing out there. I found some really nice pics and now I'm going to share them. Some of these artists you may know or have even heard of. Maybe someone will recognize their own art and tell us a little about them selves.
Anyway people , enjoy these awesome works of art bvy pro's and fans alike. There are so many this'll be a 2 parter.

A whole bunch of beautiful art! ll

I was looking for some Boris Vallejo art for my Hercules blog and I cam across this site that had a dozens of pieces of RED SONJA art. I could shoot myself in the head for not getting the name of the site. I tried to go back but I could not find it.
If anyone knows what I'm talking about please share with us. Every SONJA fan needs to know about every little thing out there. I found some really nice pics and now I'm going to share them. Some of these artists you may know or have even heard of. Maybe someone will recognize their own art and tell us a little about them selves.
Anyway people , enjoy these awesome works of art bvy pro's and fans alike. There are so many this'll be a 2 parter.

Red Sonja was Kung Fu fightin'

I mentioned the classic Sonja reprint that appears at the end of Queen Sonja #1 a few weeks ago and didn't bother to share it because...well, I figured everyone would have already seen it since I'm so far behind on my reading. But I've decided to share it anyway. It's just that good.

If only they could have printed these older books on better quality paper. Man, what a waste.

And speaking of Ol' Queen Sonja, the Lucio Parrillo cover for #2 is beautiful (I've also thought the Jackson Herbert covers for both issues were great, but I haven't picked them up...yet.) There was also a page in the second issue of the new title that I thought was interesting.

Nobody likes getting a boot to the face, but what a way to go if you have to get one, eh? I guess only then would you be able to answer the age old question of "what does Sonja really wear under her loin cloth?"

Do I see a little fur peeking out of Sonja's bikini?

I noticed that one of my Savage Sword of Conan magazines contained a Red Sonja story this weekend. As I flipped through the pages to the story ("The Road to Zanadu"), I stumbled upon some Sonja pinups.

The chain-mail bikini comes and goes...

Sadly, "The Road to Zanadu" itself wasn't one of the better scripted or illustrated Sonja stories I've seen (and the whole "Sonja giving herself up to a simpering weakling despite his inability to best her in any way" aspect of the story was a little disconcerting), so I won't be sharing any of those pages...but there was another discovery in that Conan magazine: I discovered an ad for several different artists' portfolios and the sample image for one of them, a Blas Gallego portfolio, sent me on a quest for more. With a cursory Google search, I discovered a lot of non-Sonja images, but also one image that was clearly Sonja and Conan together.

The fur-lined chainmail bikini and psychotically grinning Conan are too funny.

Bruce Timm does Red Sonja

You simply gotta love this guys work. He has a flair for action and movement most would not understand. But being an animator his skill is apparent you can see Sonja flying through the air and slicing and dicing up the ugly monster.

" the SONG OF RED SONJA "

as depicted in this fantastic CONAN cover recreation by BOB LAYTON.

Red Sonja - Sorcerer's Realm

Another beautiful JOE JUSKO piece. Not only is the work and skill beautiful but JOE makes SONJA a stunning and breathtaking vision to behold.

RED SONJA ~ Original cover art

Walt Simonson shared this with his friends on Facebook and I am now sharing this with fans of RED SONJA. Mary Wilshire was the artist for RED SONJA's second series for MARVEL...here are the comments by WALTER SIMONSON copied and pasted.

"Red Sonja No. 2 cover. My inks over Mary Wilshire's pencils. 1983.

I'm posting these two pictures for fun, and because they may be instructive. Exactly what they're instructive about, I can't say.

Mary penciled some Red Sonja comics back in the early 80s. I was asked to ink the first couple of covers.

The picture here is the second cover as I inked it. Generally, when I ink somebody else, I try to ink the work as it exists, to bring out what the pencils already show. Mary's work then was very linear and had a rather beautiful outline, so I went with that.

In the case of this cover, Marvel editorial decided that my inks were not sufficient unto the drawing.